Learning To Be Alone…

I am sitting here, alone with my laptop, at a little cafe called Cookies Cafe and roast coffee in Sri Thanu, Ko Phangan Thailand. It is hot and humid already at 9am. I just ate a veggie omelette and toast, and am enjoying a delicious hot mocha. When I look up, I see several European couples around, enjoying their vacation together, deep in conversation. There also seem to be a lot of single men & women traveling alone… but most you will see gathering with friends who are all meeting here, or have met here. For me, I have been quiet, not really drawn to talk to anyone yet, but to be more of a witness. To witness myself being alone, and not necessarily wanting to be alone… but also realizing the powerful experience of it. At any time, I can start talking to absolutely everyone… I know how to be social, and make friends. But for some reason I have gone inward here, which has amplified my experience within myself, with who I am alone with out anyone.

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You see, I have always been in a relationship. I had kids young, at 20 years old, and have been married twice. And although I felt very alone in those marriages, I was never truly alone. And in-between relationships, I dated a little, and always had my children. I also had amazing friendships as well… thank god for my amazing friends. And even though they are all far, far away right now, some of them choose to stay close with reaching out though phone or video.  Here in Thailand, is probably the first time I have ever really been alone. And I traveled here with so little money, that I am already in a boat where I cant afford both my bills back home and a bungalow to rent. Luckily, there may be some amazing opportunities unfolding here for me which will help me get through it. Everything coming in seems to be in alignment with what I want through this travel experience: Art, spirituality and adventure.

I am also offering tarot readings through video chat, to offer my services still, and also help to create money for my journey. I cant work here out of Thailand, and charge money with out a work permit, but I can do my online stuff and photography! Please message me if you would like more details!

IMG_5798So I have found joy in blogging my experiences, and have posted a lot of selfies as I feel I am going through transformation and want to capture it. I also love photos, I cant help it, I am a photographer, haha. But before coming here, the last thing I wanted to do was take pictures of my self, showing look at me in Thailand! Really it has been a way to nurture myself through this loneliness. No one else is around to capture these experiences with me. So I will do what I feel, without worry about what others think… Its just in my personality to be this way. Maybe I will unlearn it some day and care more, haha.  Its funny when seeing a group of people here all taking their own selfies at the same time.. I have seen it, bahaha.

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My emotions have been up and down here, and although I have been gentle with myself, I also took the liberation of cutting off my dreads… I just went at my hair with a pair of scissors… zero anxiety, haha. I figured I would shave my head if it didn’t work it. After all, it is just too hot here for long dreads!

I believe there are an infinite amount of ways to experience emotions. Each person holds a specific vibration of it, made up mind & spirit within… so love itself could be experienced through a million different flavors of vibration, with a specific feeling involved.  As a Reiki practitioner, this is one of the first things that I  noticed… like wine tasting, but with energy. I have also gotten glimpses through people holding their vibration strong, and being able to know the difference between my energy and theirs. My point of bringing this up, is that my posts aren’t within a catch all system of what it is like to be alone… this is a unique personal experience which includes all of my personal thoughts, emotions, beliefs, lifetimes, personality, heart, soul journey, etc. And there is a lot going on for me here…one is realizing my own self worth. I am surrounded by gorgeous women, yoga people, with amazing bodies, tans and accents. I feel very much like an invisible person, not young and beautiful enough for people to bother talking to.. and that’s assuming that its all about outer psychical judgments and sex, bahaha. What a mind trip I am in, eh? Stuff like this is amplified and showing in my vibration one way or another.. and I know it. So I get to be with the consequences of my own judgments and beliefs until I break through. I could pretend it is not there, but I am more about what is authentic and real within me than ignoring it so I can pretend be what I think is a better person. The last thing I want to do is stuff subconscious emotion and patterns back down so they can come out later. Instead, I invite it all to come up and out… I trust myself that I can grow spiritually. I accept myself for what I am and am able to not define myself by thoughts and emotion. This has taken a lot of work for me to get here, and here I am still tripping out in my mind, bahaa. Things could be a lot different, but I am really feeling like being alone right now is the most powerful thing for me in my life.

I have come here with the intention of a long visit and then traveling the surrounding countries… If I were only here for 3 weeks, I would already be going home and have hardly done anything yet. I still need to go search out some waterfalls, and maybe drive all the way around the island once. I haven’t seen any temples yet, but I have done some yoga classes, and found a deep connection with the Gulf of Thailand. I have no idea what this journey ultimately holds for me, as it is still unfolding. But even though I am alone, in a foreign country, with out much money or financial support… abundance is finding its way to me, and I think I will be OK.

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One comment

  1. That was a beautiful post and it seems that you are gaining a lot from being alone. I find that being alone is the best time to explore the intricacies of yourself. Good luck on your journey!

    Jess~

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