It is my 4th day in Thailand, I felt a heaviness sink in yesterday. Before I came, I was trying to release all my issues because I didn’t want to bring them with me. I figured I would take Yoga classes to stretch out anything else. But with such little money, I am unable to really dive into it… that is clearly a lack and fear story still playing out in my reality. And you might be thinking, well what do you expect after traveling with little money… but this is extreme circumstances, and a very spiritual journey that is making everything really clear. Its like Ive taken myself out of everything I know, and now I get to take a really deep look. The lack story is the first heavy thing I realized that I brought with me before I started feeling an emotional swing. This feels like a depression that enters my entire body and energy field and extends all around me. I imagine that the serotonin and dopamine levels are physically dropping in my body when this happens. 3-4 months ago, I started taking 5-htp (a natural supplement) to help me balance this, and it has helped so much. I brought some here to Thailand with me, so I took one when I felt this coming on and then tried to reset with a nap. The topic of ecstatic dance came up yesterday as well, and I still have a story of needing to get over my dance issues, haha. Quick back story, not that it matters… My parents put me in clogging when I was a child, and I hated it so much, I refused to ever dance again and made a mountain out of it. I have a deep desire to breakthrough with dance, and plan to practice on my own every day then look for a teacher while I am out here. So wherever you go there you are, right! Here I am, and I choose to accept this journey of deeply healing within.
So those of you who don’t really know me, might not have any idea about what my back story is. If you are following my blog, this might be good to know in order to understand a little more of what is happening. Also wanted to mention, I have put such a high value on friendships of those who would go out of there way to meet, call, hang out… and love through any shadow work- which is full acceptance. Witnessing the yin and the yang in another, and seeing the soul as worthy of love in any and all states of being. This is easier to do with a willing participant of growth than someone who isn’t ready to be authentic and real with themselves and the world … and I am very much a wiling participant with a very sincere desire to be a loving force in the universe.
I offer my bits and pieces of my story here with hopes of connecting and inspiring people. I hope to give a message to anyone out there feeling lost or overwhelmed in the world, you are not alone… and If you are feeling a void within, searching for love or god, I believe what it takes to change, is honesty with yourself, allowing feelings to surface with out letting them define you… as well as true cry from within the soul for healing, letting go of the mind controlling, and going into a state of listening to the universe letting it guide you. Finding true humility and forgiveness of yourself and others… Letting go of judgement, so you can truly hold a loving vibration. I believe in being very raw and real… Please be gentle with me as I am very much a student of life, on an incredible soul journey, very much learning as I go.
So here we go, this is only a little glimpse of some of my back story (Oh where to start? Hmmm) …About 3 years ago I started working with plant medicines. This was an incredible experience that helped me realize just how much in my head I actually was, by giving me glimpses outside of it. I had powerful lessons and extreme clarity in moments on overthinking, judgment and projection, compassion, liberation within, feeling the vibration of sacredness, light and dark entities, empathy & telepathy, astral travel. Little did I realize that some of the dangers of doing this sort of work, is that it can rip you open and give you glimpses within the universe that you may not be ready for or that you didn’t work for… it can be an ultimate short cut to glimpses to the divine. Then you are dropped back into life to integrate what you learned, and the ego eventually eases its way back in and everything is filtered through it. Although you may get a glimpse of what it feels like to let go of issues within…they are ultimately still there to be worked through… maybe even a little less visible. I believe this is a danger zone for the enlightened ego to come in, thinking its in some ways more superior than others, or that it knows. It is hard to see it (even in ones own self), as it holds the spiritual, enlightened mask deeply fooling itself and others. If you have never had a true and deeply spiritual life sober, then you would not really know the difference.
There are many who just keep going to ceremonies, so I believe they are not getting a clear sense of where they are at, because it will just keep lifting you up again and again… but in life, the true healing is within the hard work of self discipline and being able to do it in a natural, sober state… not relying on someone or something else to take you there. It takes a conscious decision to let life be the ultimate guide, to see where you are truly at. After describing some of this to a friend the other day, they quoted Ram Dass… when you get the phone call, hang up, haha. Plant medicine and ceremonies are amazing, and I am extremely thankful for my experiences, but I have seen what I need to see and at this point it feels like it would be an easy way out that would lift me pretty high, maybe even make things a lot easier, I could be feeling better, more on top of things.. but what I really want is to live a deeply spiritual life and reach those states of consciousness on my own. An analogy is, if you would like to lose weight, some might go for laser surgery, or quick short cut solutions rather than doing the hard work of working out and eating healthy…. really making it happen naturally with education and self discipline. So what I was doing was not leading a truly spiritual life and I got all kinds of excited to experience the universe through these plant teachers. I was definitely on a love high, undoing reality as we all know it, exploring and learning how energy works, and how the mind works. I am in high appreciation of that time in my life and those amazing glimpses.. but the message to stop came through very loud and clear. It has literally removed itself from my life and experience. Not only did it remove itself, but now the people who are choosing deep spirituality with out those things are coming in strong.
My intention of writing all of this is not to sway or compare to anyone elses journey – I think it is powerful information that some might be able to relate to and it is just what I am learning for myself. So after having an extreme and indescribable experience where I felt like I glimpsed the eternal being in a Nirvana state – I came back to this life as Renee for a little while, a beautiful spirit on leading edge of creation set in a physical reality with opportunity to manifest into existence. How amazing is that?!? I am WOWed, haha. Once the plant medicines were gone, my life crashed really hard in the opposite direction… I went into a deep depression, no money, lost everything, faced all of my deepest shadow issues within etc. Thankfully through that, I never lost the sacredness feeling of this life experience, so I was just holding space for myself to be right where I was at. I had to learn how to let myself feel deeply with out judgment. I am learning true unconditional love within myself.
Which brings us back to my current situation… I have now released all of my things, and am letting go of control, letting life guide me.. and it has guided me here to Thailand. I am facing fears big time, because believe me, this is all super scary, haha. I am alone, in a foreign place, with a deep view into my own energy that I am holding. Tonight I met with a new friend visiting from Australia, who was telling me stories about the Hindu gods and goddess Kali and Hanuman. This was coming from someone who is dedicated to a natural state of being and very spiritual, traveling the world to study with gurus. She told me to call on Kali to cut off my head, haha… the voice of the ego. And to call on Hanuman who when coming from a deep space of love and of service, realizes his divinity. I am enjoying going into a listening and learning state, even when my mind gets really loud and wants to say something… I am using a lot of self discipline to stay in a space of silence, and then thankful to myself afterwards, lol. Letting go of the need to say something is powerful.
Today is August 7th2017, the full moon eclipse, and I choose to spend it calling in Kali, and Hanuman. I choose to work through some of my self compassion work book that I brought with me. I choose to work on the things I need to get done so I can move forward (photo shoots, art projects and taxes). I choose to connect to the land here in Thailand and deeply connect with Mother Earth. I choose to humble myself and feel that deep cry within to god and the universe to allow for a true healing and to open myself to this beautiful and amazing world. Today, I am overwhelmed with gratitude, and feel loved and supported by the universe that I am worthy of this amazing journey (we all are). So much love to all of you out there, I wish for all of us to experience the deep sacredness of this life.
Thank you, and Namaste ❤